


Home in Time for Jeopardy

by oceania



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Fatherhood, First Time, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-27
Updated: 2011-11-27
Packaged: 2017-10-26 14:42:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/284474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oceania/pseuds/oceania
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even the defeat of the Wraith and a bright future in the Pegasus galaxy doesn't mean that the universe isn't ultimately random and cruel. Or that love can't be found in the ruins of your own life</p>
            </blockquote>





	Home in Time for Jeopardy

**Author's Note:**

> The amazing [Eilidh17](http://eilidh17.livejournal.com/) did a series of artworks for this fic and I am now just getting around to posting them with the fic after having had a hellish few months. The fic was originally published for [McShep_Match](http://mcshep-match.livejournal.com/129897.html).
> 
> The Prompt was "[Fall from Grace](http://mcshep-match.livejournal.com/113139.html)"
> 
> Special Thanks to my amazing beta: [campylobacter](http://archiveofourown.org/users/campylobacter/)

Warnings: Character Death *not John or Rodney..

[click to enlarge  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shakespherical/pic/0009x74w)   


And if we fall from grace  
At least we had a taste  
Of something more than this  
Unresolved black abyss  
 _Falling from Grace_ (The Gentle Waves)

There really wasn’t anything left to do except leave Rodney to his silent grief. John gently squeezed Rodney’s shoulder before turning and walking into the dimly lit corridor. After all, there were arrangements to be made, notifications to write, personnel to re-assign.

\--------------------  
Only their closest friends and family had attended the wedding. Rodney just had his sister and her family and Jennifer’s dad had passed earlier that year so the two of them opted for a quiet ceremony on Atlantis rather than going back to Earth. Woolsey had been delighted to be asked to officiate and out of deference to Dr. Keller, had forgone his usual speech. The vows were their own and Rodney had managed to stumble through his public declaration with only moderate bluster declaring Jennifer to be “as smart as he could hope for” and “sweeter than he deserved”. Jennifer had laughed and promised to “love, honour and ignore when necessary” and had declared Rodney to be “the best man she had ever known.”

There hadn’t been a dry eye in the place: except for John’s. He had stood rigidly at attention, in his dress blues with its shiny new “full-bird wings”: a stoic counterpart to the chaos that raged in his heart.

He’d even danced with the bride.

\-------------  
“Colonel Sheppard?” Teyla’s voice came over the com.

He’d been staring at the blue computer screen for god knew how long, unsure exactly of what to do first. “John?” Teyla’s voice sounded again.

“Sheppard here,” he croaked.

“I was wondering if I could be of any assistance. The baby is settled for the moment.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I have these letters….”

“I will be right there.”

Teyla let herself into his office, and he stood to greet her in the Athosian style he found so deeply calming. “Hey,” he said at last. “I have to write letters to the families. You know the new personnel better I think?”

“Well, Captain Hawkins and Sergeant Adatia were both part of my bantos class. Lovely young women. But I’m not familiar with Dr. Taniguchi. He was one of Dr. Keller’s new people.”

John sighed heavily, “Well yes, he was, and normally she or Rodney would make the notification but under the circumstances…”

“Of course. I will be happy to help with all of them.”

“I appreciate—“

“John—“

“He hasn’t spoken a word yet. I don’t know what to do.”

Teyla sighed, “Wait.”

\-------------------------------  
Jennifer had giggled girlishly as Rodney twirled her awkwardly around the ‘gateroom’s makeshift dance floor. John had made a show of gallantly cutting in. “Mrs. McKay, can I have this dance?” he asked formally.

She curtsied demurely and took his outstretched hand. “It would be my honour, Colonel Sheppard,” she began, but corrected herself, “John.”

John had learned to dance at Cotillions and Debuts and moved with ease around the floor, his perfect form framing hers elegantly. He’d also learned to look as if he was enjoying himself even when he wasn’t.

“I hope that you and I can become good friends,” Jennifer said tentatively. “I promise not to monopolize all of his free time.”

John grinned, “Of course. Good friends. We already are.”

“Well, good. That’s good then,” she smiled.

“Good.”

A tap on his shoulder ended their dance. “Can I have my wife back, Colonel?” Rodney joked, “Get your own!” They left John standing still in the middle of the room, alone.

\----------------------------

Teyla and John had finished the awful letters and started on the less difficult task of making funeral arrangements for the fallen, when Woolsey interrupted. “I’ve got to make some sort of announcement to the city, Colonel. The news is, of course, spreading quickly, but still—“

“Go ahead, Richard,” John answered, abandoning the façade of formality. “It’s time. You can announce the funeral details later.” There was no need to remind him to keep it brief.

\---------------------------------

John had been signing requisitions and rubber-stamping personnel reports when Rodney had knocked on the wall beside the open door. It was unusual for Rodney to offer even a semblance of politeness and it should have alerted John to the news he was about to hear.

“Can I—uh—speak with you Colonel?” Rodney’s voice was oddly tentative and edged with anxiety.

“Sure buddy,” John countered, “something on your mind?”

Rodney looked flushed and ill at ease, so much so that John was growing concerned. “What did you do this time, McKay?”

“Nothing!” Rodney snapped, his acerbic demeanour returning for a flicker before vanishing again. “I wanted to uh—well, I wanted to get your thoughts on something.”

“Shoot.”

Rodney took a deep breath and began a rapid info-dump of what was on his mind. “I’ve been with Jennifer for six months now and well, things are good you know? And I was kind of thinking, ‘Hey, things are going well!’ and maybe they should um—move to the next level but I thought after what happened the last time that I thought I should do this—and wasn’t that a disaster? Well, it was not entirely my fault since she should have understood that I was sensitive to the concept of imminent death in a confined space—but well, never mind. The point is that Jennifer is nothing like Katie and she seems to tolerate me rather well and understand me and I know that she loves me because she tells me that she does and my table manners have really really improved and I think about how the future could be and I’m not getting any younger and I’m no John Sheppard!”

John laughed in spite of the sucker punch he knew was coming. “Get to the point, Rodney.”

“I’m going to ask Jennifer to marry me. I mean do you think I should ask her? Because I would like to but--”

“You don’t need my permission, Rodney.” John smiled as winningly as possible.

“I know that. Don’t you think I know that?”

“Well then, what do you want me to say? Good for you, Rodney?”

“Well I would like to think you would be happy for me!” Rodney said stoutly.

“Do you need me to be happy for you McKay?” John asked quietly.

Rodney exhaled deeply. “No. I don’t. I’m going to ask her to marry me.”

John frowned, “Well then what are you waiting for?”

Rodney sighed again. “I have no idea, John. I love her. I want to marry her.”

John’s frown deepened, “I don’t understand why you’re here Rodney. It isn’t as if—you know what? She’s perfect for you. You’ll be happy together.”

Rodney closed his eyes, “I want you to like her, John. It’s important. I know you don’t like her.”

John gathered his resolve, “I do like her McKay. I didn’t always but she’s nice enough. I respect her. She’s good for you.” He grinned, “Okay? We good now?”

Rodney turned to go, “I hope so.”

\-------------------------  
The distress call had come in about six hours after the mission had begun.

Jennifer and Rodney never went off-world together anymore since it seemed more prudent. There was no need to risk it and they found it better for their marriage if they kept their work lives somewhat separate. Besides, the trip had been purely routine. Jennifer had taken the new paediatrician along with her to treat a village whose children were in need of vaccinations.

The mission had gone well and it wasn’t until they were on the way back to Atlantis that the jumper malfunctioned and they had been forced to land again.

“I don’t know why it lost power Dr. McKay!” Hawkins’ tone lost none of its edge, despite the static. “It took off fine and then a sudden power loss forced us down.”

Rodney was annoyed but he wasn’t’ about to let her try it again before he took a look at it. So he and John suited up and were on their way to P8R-1X2 on a repair mission.

“You should send Zelenka,” John cautioned. “He’s a better choice in this case. If something goes wrong---“

Rodney rolled his eyes, “Oh thank you very much Colonel Doomsday, it’s a simple repair. If Captain Hotpants had any field experience she’d be able to fix it herself!”

“Sure, Rodney. Whatever you say,” John joked.

“I mean, really John? Where are they getting these new pilots? Pre-schools? She could barely even grasp the basics…”

“Hawkins is a great pilot Rodney and you know it. We were lucky to get her. I poached her from the SGC. They wanted to keep her around to power the Antarctic chair if the Lucian Alliance attacked. Her ATA gene is as strong as mine. I had to pull some strings….”

They’d arrived only moments later and flown to the landing site. After an hour or so, Rodney emerged from the broken jumper and announced, “Like I said! Simple matter of understanding how to reconfigure the inertial dampeners and thrust capacitors. Somebody must have knocked out a coupling or something.”

“So, we good to go Dr. McKay?” Jennifer smiled.

“Yes Yes, Dr. Keller! We’ll all be home in time for Jeopardy.”

There were several bags of produce that the villagers had offered in trade for the medical care and John, having moved them out of the way for Rodney to work, now loaded them into his jumper instead.

“You guys will be more comfortable without straddling the melons,” he teased.

“Thank you sir!” Adatia responded formally.

“At ease Sergeant,” John gently chided. “See you guys on the flip side. I’ve got your six.”

“Would you like to ride with Dr. McKay?” the Captain asked, with a knowing smile.

“Jennifer—um--Dr. Keller and I make it a point never to ride in the same shuttle now.”

“Of course, Doctor.”

Jennifer smiled warmly at Rodney and arched one eyebrow; a look he had learned meant he was in for some mighty fine loving later. “Thanks for the rescue guys.”

And then she disappeared into the jumper.

\---------------------  
They had been alone in John’s room after a team movie night. Rodney usually hung around for a bit after the rest of the team had gone. That night they’d watched the first two episodes of Battlestar Galactica: it had quickly captured Teyla’s affections and, although she didn’t always agree with Starbuck’s methods, she admired her warrior instincts. John, of course, preferred the 1970s version and extolled its virtues to Ronon for so long that Ronon had lost patience and sniped, “I get it Sheppard!” and stormed out.

“Wow, what’d I say?” Sheppard stammered.

“Ronon finds the destruction of Caprica somewhat unsettling, as you might imagine,” Teyla responded, with more than a hint of chastisement. “I am not sure we should continue watching this particular show.”

Rodney scowled, “The Cylons are nothing like the Wraith! Since when is Conan so sensitive anyway?”

“It is the anniversary of his wife’s death, Rodney. It was a great loss. It was perhaps insensitive of us to watch the show today.”

“Yep. We suck.” John cleared his throat and stood, “I think I better go and apologize.”

“No. Stay here John. Enjoy the rest of the evening.” John knew she meant, ‘enjoy the one evening you have with Rodney’ and he nodded once in agreement.

“So, What d’ya wanna watch next Colonel? I only have an hour or so before Jennifer’s shift ends and I need to head home.”

John stared at him, frowning slightly.

“What? Oh yes, I’m being horribly insensitive, but there isn’t anything we can do, is there? He’s got to deal with this on his own. And he has Amelia! No need for us to spend team night in a funk! Doctor Who then?” He was searching through his many downloads as he spoke.

“Rodney, we need to talk.” John said solemnly.

“Oh what now?” Rodney looked up from the laptop, his face a mixture of annoyance and impatience.

“I should have told you this a long time ago but I didn’t want to ‘mess with the space-time continuum’ and cause ‘irreparable’ harm….”

Rodney placed the laptop on the table and gave John his full attention.

“Before you get too serious with Dr. Keller, I think you should know that, in the other timeline—you uh….well you had hair, and I shouldn’t have lied to you about that.”

Rodney laughed, “You are so weird. Why the hell would that have anything to do with my relationship with Jennifer? And of course I had hair, I wouldn’t have pulled it all out dealing with YOU because YOU were the one who was dead right?”

John sighed, “I wasn’t the only one who died. All of us had died; you were alone, Rodney. Jennifer--”

Rodney laughed again, “Divorced me? Refused to date me? What? It isn’t important since it won’t ever happen right? I ‘fixed’ the timeline.”

John sighed again, “Yeah, but she died Rodney—right after you returned to Earth. I should have told you that part but I didn’t want to let on because you two weren’t “on the radar” at that point--but now that you are a couple, and it seems some things are inevitable—well I just thought you should know.”

Rodney chuckled again, “There’s no such thing as fate you moron! If there were, YOU’D already be dead. Hell, the city never came back to Earth in the alternate timeline right?”

John smiled, “I guess you’re right. Sorry. It was stupid of me to even worry about but I just felt as if I was keeping it from you.”

“You worry me sometimes John,” Rodney said quietly. “And just so you know, it wouldn’t matter to me even if she was fated to die. I’d still love her and want to be with her for whatever time she had left.”

“That’s good. I’m---“ John wished he could say ‘glad’ or even ‘happy’ but he stumbled over the words.

“Oh forget it!” Rodney teased, “And speaking of time shifting and fate, can we watch the Doctor now?”

John relaxed a bit and settled back against the couch, in his usual sprawling manner. “Sure buddy.”  
\---------------------------

They’d been in space for about ten minutes and could see the gate ahead of them. “Dial the gate Dr. Keller,” they heard over the com and then the vague sounds of alarmed voices and one clear scream of “Rodney!” and then the jumper exploded.

John swerved to avoid the debris and then circled back. “What the fuck happened?” he shouted. “What the fuck happened???? Rodney? Rodney!”

“I---don’t understand. I don’t understand. Where are they? What exploded? Jennifer? Do you read? Captain Hawkins, come in…”

John continued to circle the jumper around the smouldering debris field. “Fuck!” he screamed and pounded the console. “They’re gone.”

They were silent as they continued to search. “There isn’t anything to find,” Rodney finally said flatly, and then he staggered to the back of the jumper. John could hear him retching as he dialled the gate and turned the jumper toward home.

John closed the door to the rear compartment and radioed ahead to Atlantis. “Get Woolsey!” he barked at Chuck. “And get a search and recovery team suited up and ready to come through the gate as soon as I return.”

“Colonel Sheppard?” Woolsey’s voice crackled in his ear, “What happened?”

“The other jumper exploded. We’ve lost the whole damn team: Taniguchi, Hawkins, Adatia and--” John’s voice cracked and he cleared his throat—“Keller.”

“And Dr. McKay?” Woolsey almost whispered.

“With me. We saw it happen—I don’t know what happened…” he broke off.

“I’ll have Carson and his team waiting for you in the jumper bay. Bring him home, John.” There was nothing more to say.

\-----------------------------  
It had been a few weeks after the engagement when Rodney had stormed into John’s quarters unannounced and begun to rant even before the door had fully closed.

“What the fuck is your problem?” he shouted and pushed past John. “Avoiding me like the plague, barely speaking to me, even when we’re off-world and hello? Communication kinda necessary! Would it have hurt you to have at least PRETENDED you gave a shit when the natives with the pointy poison spears had me cornered? You practically ordered them to kill me!” He stopped flailing his arms and crossed them defiantly across his chest.

“Now Rodney, I didn’t order them to kill you; I simply said that I would understand if they FELT like killing you for insulting the Blessed Awl of Shamrock.”

“Shamtok, you halfwit! And calling it a primitive device was not insulting! It was factual.” Rodney laughed in spite of his anger.

“Well, it upset the nice people of Shatmockery,” John teased.

“Whatever,” Rodney scowled. “It still doesn’t explain why you are so pissed with me!”

John shrugged, non-committal.

“You don’t like Jennifer. I get that. I’m sorry, but I love her.”

John shrugged again and began to rub the back of his neck. “I don’t dislike her Rodney, I just--”

Rodney waited in silence.

“I just—I Just…Oh never mind McKay okay? Go away, be happy with Jennifer!”

“No! You’re going to fucking well tell me what’s on your mind!” He grabbed John by the shoulders. John raised his arms and knocked off Rodney’s hands and then shoved him.

“Don’t you EVER fucking touch me, McKay,” John said through clenched teeth.

Rodney staggered only slightly but held his ground, his face flushed with rage now. “What the FUCK is your problem?!”

John’s resolve suddenly crumbled and although he knew he would regret it, and probably for the rest of his life, something compelled him to speak. “ **I** want you! **I** love you! Can’t you see that you stupid prick?”

Rodney gawked at him, open-mouthed, momentarily, but John grabbed him and kissed him aggressively; it was desperate and messy and John moaned into Rodney’s mouth surrendering himself at last.

But suddenly, he was flat on his ass and Rodney stood over him furious, “I won’t have it Sheppard! You don’t get to do this to me now. I would have fallen into your bed that first night in Atlantis if you’d have asked; you want me? It’s too fucking late! You had your chance and now? Jesus Christ! I love her. We’re good together. You don’t get to fuck that up!”

John didn’t move until he heard the door slide shut, and even then it was only to his bed, where he lay and stared at the ceiling for the rest of the night.

\-----------------------  
Rodney had an exhausted and dreamy look on his face as he sat beside Jennifer’s bedside while she slept. In his arms he held a sleepy and contented baby, not awkwardly as one might expect, but tenderly and confidently. His eyes never left its face and he cooed and chattered away, “And Daddy doesn’t even care if you like Physics…no he doesn’t…you can be whatever you want…”

John stood in the entrance to the room. With so many couples living on Atlantis now, a mini baby boom had necessitated the creation of a private birthing room. It doubled as a mom and baby room.

John watched the transformed Rodney, in amused awe. He’d told a panicked Rodney that he would be a great dad and he was glad he had been right. “Hey,” he said quietly and Rodney looked up at him grinning. “Everyone okay?”

“Both my girls are perfect,” Rodney said softly and stood carefully to walk toward John. He gestured to the waiting area outside the room and followed John to the large couch situated by the window. “Do you want to hold her, John?” he asked somewhat shyly. “She’s pretty fragile so don’t jostle her head and for god’s sake John! She’s not a football! Quit tossing her around like that! Where the hell did you learn to hold a baby?”

“From Teyla, “ John soothed, “And the baby’s fine. Look at her, McKay. She hasn’t even woken up.”

“Yes yes, fine. I just don’t want to explain to Jennifer that we broke the baby on her first day of life!” They laughed quietly and stared into each other’s eyes for a long moment.

“She’s so beautiful, Rodney,” John said as he lowered his gaze to the baby again. “Perfect really. She looks like you.”

“Oh right! Ruin the kid’s self esteem much? She looks like her Mom. Oh god, I hope so. Do you really think she looks like me? Poor little kid.”

John peered at the baby intently, who promptly yawned widely and opened her eyes to stare up at him with a decidedly pointed look. “How the hell can she look at me like that already? Jeez Rodney, it’s got to be genetic.”

Rodney laughed, “I think she might have my eyes, but the rest is all Jennifer.”

“She has beautiful eyes then,” John said softly and then handed the baby back to Rodney self-consciously. “So, you guys got a name for this baby of yours?”

“Elizabeth Charlotte,” Rodney said softly and rocked the baby gently as she began to fuss. “I think she wants her Mommy again, although I hate to wake Jennifer.”

“I’m awake anyway,” came the amused call through the open doorway. They rose and walked back into the room. “John,” she said warmly and smiled.

“Congratulations, Mommy,” John replied with equal warmth. “I’m really happy for you both.” Rodney looked at him, clearly pleased.

“I’m so happy,” he beamed and handed the now squawking infant to his wife.

John smiled again, “I’m glad Rodney.” He shut the door on his way out and leaned against it, his face hot and his eyes stinging. Carson chanced by, “They’re lovely, aren’t they Colonel?”

“Sure are,” he sighed and headed off down the corridor, brushing the tears away from the corners of his eyes furiously. “You need to move on,” he said aloud and a startled Marine jumped out of his way in fear.

“Sorry sir!” she squeaked out but Sheppard was too lost in himself to have even noticed her in the first place.

\------------------------------  
John watched in horror as Rodney obediently allowed himself to be taken from the jumper on a gurney. No flailing arms or bitter complaints about voodoo doctors. That blast must have done more than knock the wind out of him.

“What the hell happened this time?” Jennifer asked, the accusation of John’s incompetence clear in her tone.

Teyla assured, “It was a simple case of an unexploded mine left from a long forgotten war. Dr. McKay suffered no permanent damage. He was just too close to the blast and without protective gear. He seems to have lost his hearing and vision but it’s a temporary effect. I’ve seen this before.”

“Jennifer?” Rodney shouted. “Is that Jennifer?”

“I’m here Rodney,” she reassured and held his hand as they wheeled him out of the jumper bay.

“Thanks Teyla,” John said quietly. “I really hope you’re right.”

“Well, I’ve seen this type of mine before. It is intended to render the enemy temporarily incapacitated so a smaller force can go in after the blast and….”

John had read about a similar shock grenade used by the Goa’uld. “Right, so he’ll be fine then?”

He didn’t wait for a reply but set off at a trot after the medical team.

Several hours later, he wasn’t so sure. Rodney had slipped into unconsciousness and Carson was at a loss to fully explain it. “We’ll just have to wait it out, lassie,” he said to Jennifer. “There’s no brain damage and the scans are good. There were some erratic signals in the VI region, but those normalized after an hour. I suspect his present state is due to a combination of his hypoglycaemia and shock. I have him on a Glucagon drip and he’ll likely wake up in a few hours.”

Jennifer sighed and smiled weakly, “I hope you’re right Carson. I’m finding it difficult to remain objective, so I’m going to have to---“ She wobbled a bit and grabbed the corner of Rodney’s bed to steady herself.

John moved in a flash and eased her into the chair next to Rodney. “Whoa, you okay?” Jennifer smiled again, “Just a dizzy spell, to be expected under the circumstances. I’m fine.”

“You are most definitely not fine, Dr. Keller,” Carson scolded. “You need rest in your condition. Off to bed.”

John furrowed his brow, “Condition?”

Jennifer scowled at Carson, “I was planning on telling my husband first Dr. Beckett!” She took the glass of water he held out to her. “And, I’m not likely to leave Rodney so if you are so concerned, send in some food and another bed.”

John stared at her thunderstruck. “You’re pregnant? You’re having a baby?”

He knew he shouldn’t sound quite so upset, shouldn’t actually _be_ upset. Marriage and a family. That was the order of things. But he just hadn’t imagined Rodney as a father. It was such an odd notion that he laughed aloud.

“Glad you find it so funny,” Jennifer hissed. “Rodney’s going to freak and since you know now, I’m hoping you can reassure him. He’s going to be a wonderful father and this is what I’ve always wanted.”

John chuckled and willed himself not to begin laughing hysterically. “Rodney is going to be a dad. And you’re sure?”

“John, I’m a doctor. I’m definitely having a baby. It isn’t exactly rocket science.” She was pissed off and John knew that somehow it was his fault. It didn’t help that the blood was rushing in his ears and he wanted to bolt from the room. He stared mutely at her instead.

“I don’t want to have to compete with you for the rest of my life, Colonel Sheppard. I know how you feel about him. I’m not an idiot.”  
John flushed and looked at the floor intently.

“But with the baby coming, I kinda hoped you’d just—“

John raised his eyes, “What do you need me to do?”

She looked at him imploringly. “I love him John. I always have. I always will. And I know you feel the same. But I need you to stop torturing him—no, that’s the wrong word. I need you to stop disapproving of me. He needs to believe you’re happy for him. That you’re over him. Please? Can you do that for him?”

John swallowed. She really did love Rodney. Why did that come as such a surprise?

“I can do that, Jennifer,” he whispered and stooped to kiss the top of her head gently. “Yeah, I can do that.”

\---------------------------------  
[click to enlarge  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shakespherical/pic/0009yx39)  


Teyla sang the Athosian song for the dead, in a beautiful and strong voice as three empty coffins were sent through the Stargate. Jennifer’s was to be buried on the mainland of New Atlantis. She had no family left on Earth and when Rodney had offered no other suggestions, John had picked a spot in the Athosian’s cemetery.

He had delivered three of the eulogies in a calm and clear voice, every inch the military commander. His duty demanded it.

But when the time came to speak about Jennifer, he had choked up and was almost unable to continue. He had made the mistake of looking at Rodney, still silent despite the passage of two days: staring straight ahead.

Ronon had been holding Lizzie and just as the eulogy began, Rodney had held out his arms for her. She’d reached up her chubby hand and stroked the side of his face and he’d smiled at her, nibbling her little fingers and murmuring “Numnumnum” She’d giggled and wrapped her arms around his neck and nuzzled into his shoulder.

John wasn’t sure he would be able to speak, but Rodney caught his eye and nodded ever so slightly, a silent recognition of how much it meant to him that John was the one speaking.

“Jennifer Keller was a remarkable woman,” he began. “A dedicated doctor, tireless in her efforts to care for her patients. A brilliant surgeon, she also possessed a gift for bio-chemistry. Jennifer knew how to cure people. She was a rare intellect, a genius who chose to use her gifts in the service of mankind. I admired her for that. We all did.

“But Jennifer was so much more than that: she was a loving spirit: she loved unconditionally and passionately. She was patient and generous and funny. And she wore her heart on her sleeve. And one day, she caught the eye of a man who would test all of those qualities.”

He sniffled ever so slightly, but forced a smile onto his face.

“I wasn’t sure she deserved him.”

The audience laughed then, misinterpreting John’s words, but it broke the solemnity and allowed John a moment to regain his composure. Rodney continued to stare at John, his blue eyes shining, but not tearful.

“And she was a wonderful wife to him and a devoted mother to Elizabeth. And she made him happy and--”

John wavered slightly and cleared his throat, “And we—we were all amazed by the transformation her love brought to Rodney. I was amazed by that. I was in awe of her--” John struggled for the right word. “I was in awe of her grace. I respected her for that.” The tears were flowing in the crowd and even John was allowing them to slide down his face.

“And she died in the service of others, people she didn’t even know whose children she--” He broke off, unable to continue. “I’m so sorry Rodney,” he said huskily and fled the room.

He didn’t go to the burial on the mainland. Mr. Woolsey apparently spoke and Rodney held his sleepy daughter and kissed her soft hair as he stood rigidly beside the open grave. He placed a single pink rose on the coffin and turned away.

“Is he okay?” John asked Teyla cautiously. “I mean, he didn’t say anything or cry or…?”

“He hasn’t spoken to anyone but the baby. I’m worried about him, John. The hardest part is behind us, but it lies ahead for him.” She sat down quietly on the couch beside him. “He needs you, John. Can you be there, as a friend?”

“You mean not as the Colonel who’s responsible for the death of his wife?” John chest heaved and his fists tightened on his lap.

“Is that what you think? That you are responsible for killing Jennifer? It was a horrible accident! We may never find out what happened.” She took his hand and unclenched his fingers. “John?”

“I had a bad feeling. I should have insisted we take all of them--”

“Not everything is your fault. Not everything is your responsibility. Think for a moment. Who repaired the jumper? Rodney. Think of how he must feel.”

John’s stomach lurched and for a moment he was sure he was going to be sick. “Shit. Shit shit shit!” And he took off running.

“Rodney, come on buddy…I need to talk to you…open the door!”

Not wanting to wake him if Rodney had managed to fall asleep, he overrode the lock and let himself in. He couldn’t see Rodney at all but he could hear him. Breathing hard, gasping even. “Buddy? Where are you?”

There was a muffled moan and John stumbled around in the dark until he located the light controls and turned them on a bit. The room was a disaster. Toppled shelves, and their scattered contents covered the floor. The bed had been overturned and the mattress was halfway across the room. John picked his way through the mess towards the door to the baby’s room. He opened it quietly and stepped inside. The crib was empty and he sighed in relief. Lizzie was still with Ronon and Amelia. Thankfully.

Rodney was sitting in the corner of the room, clutching what appeared to be a pillow and he was rocking back and forth, muttering incoherently.

“Oh Rodney,” John said sadly and sat next to him on the floor. “It wasn’t your fault.”

Rodney stopped rocking and spoke in a hollow voice, “You know, this pillow smells like her? She’s everywhere. And nowhere.” He stopped rocking and threw the pillow across the room.

“I’m so sorry,” John said and put his arm around his friend. Rodney sighed deeply and encircled John with his arms, allowing the grief to overcome him at last: great sobs shook through him. He clung desperately to John who began to rock him and held him even tighter. “I’m so sorry Rodney, I’m so sorry…” he said again and again. “It’s not your fault,” he reiterated. “You’re not to blame buddy.”

At this, Rodney began to shake and hyperventilate. “I’m the one, I’m the one. Don’t you see John? It’s my fault she’s dead. I blamed Hawkins but I must have missed something…” He began to sob uncontrollably and John reverted to the rocking and stroked Rodney’s hair and back.

“Sssshhhh…sssshhhh,” he soothed. “I’ve got you, I’ve got you.”

And suddenly, Rodney grabbed the sides of John’s face and kissed him, desperate and needy. John pulled back gently.  
“Make love to me John? Make it go away? I need to make it go away.”

John’s heart pounded in his chest, “No Rodney, not like this. Not with her death as an excuse. I can’t do that to you. Please…”

Rodney shuddered and collapsed into John’s arms, defeated and spent. “Stay with me then? I can’t—I need--”

”I’m not going anywhere, Rodney.”

Eventually, they moved from the corner of the nursery onto the hastily reassembled bed. Rodney moved like an automaton, arms and legs heavily plodding across the room. He was already in his t-shirt and boxers and slumped onto the mattress with a groan of pain. “Back hurts like hell,” he said in a small voice.

John winced, “Did Carson give you anything to help?”

“Yeah. By the sink in the bathroom.” He was curled on his side, fists clenched.

John helped him sit up slightly and handed him the pills and a glass of water. “So, I’ll just be over on the couch if you need me.” It was the wrong thing to say. Rodney started to sniffle and then pulled the pillow over his head in shame.

“God, Rodney, buddy? What to you need? What can I do?”

Rodney’s response was acidic and despairing at the same time. “Don’t leave me alone again in this stupid fucking bed that smells like her. It’s big enough. Just fill up the other side so I can get some sleep, okay?”

John’s throat constricted almost painfully as he tried to swallow his own emotions. “Okay, I can do that,” he said hoarsely and stripped down to his boxers as well. When he slid under the blankets, Rodney inched closer until they were near enough for John to feel the heat of the man and hear his slowly steadying breathing. He draped an arm across Rodney and Rodney snuggled in closer. Within moments, John felt the body he held relax into a dreamless sleep.

Rodney was in for a rough time, but John was determined not to let him go through it alone.

“Ha! Checkmate,” Rodney crowed. “And while balancing a toddler on my knee I might add.”

“Your Daddy cheats, Lizzie; he is a very naughty boy.”

Lizzie wriggled free of Rodney’s grasp, toddled over to John and looked up at him, blue eyes welling up and bottom lip protruding in a pout she could only have learned from the master. “Papa mad my Dada?”

John softened, “Oh sweets, I was joking…” He scooped her up and hugged her close.

“Yeeees, sarcasm…so effective with a 2-year-old, Colonel Clueless!” Rodney rebuked. “Make my daughter cry why don’t you?”

John rolled his eyes, but grinned, “So, stories before bed busy Lizzie?”

“There’s a math and counting book I’d like to---“

“What’s that sweets? You want Papa to read you _Arte the Airplane_ AGAIN?” He carried her off to the nursery, with book in hand. “I’ll put her to bed tonight?” John asked without waiting for the answer.

Rodney was busy working by the time Elizabeth was settled for the night. John tended to drag out the ritual longer than Rodney. “So, she asleep then?” he asked without looking up.

“Yeah, guess I’ll go now. Good game tonight. Same time next week?”

Rodney looked up then. “You know John, you don’t really need to make up an excuse every time you come over. Elizabeth loves you and it’s a nice break for me too. It doesn’t have to be movie night or Halo night or chess night. You could just drop by whenever…”

John rubbed the back of his neck, “She called me Papa tonight, is that a problem?”

Rodney laughed, “Hardly! She must have picked it up from Ronon’s kid. The little caveman calls him that. Must be some Neanderthal custom…”

John smiled, “Okay then. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Thought you had a mission.” Rodney had decided after Jennifer’s death that he was through with off-world missions. He couldn’t risk orphaning his daughter completely.

“Nah. I’m _delegating_ it to the younger generation. The knees you know? And, I have a lot of diplomatic bullshit to deal with now that I’m the…”

“Head of the Expedition. Yes, we know. You mention it often enough. You would think they’d have brought in someone like Daniel Jackson once Woolsey retired but noooooooooo….they have to give you even more of a reason to strut your bony ass all over the city!” Rodney laughed good-naturedly. “Really though? Kinda proud, but shut up about it.”

“Yes Rodney,” John cooed mockingly. “Whatever you say Rodney.”

“G’night John.”

A few months short of Lizzie’s third birthday, Rodney decided that he needed to take her to see her Aunt Jeannie.

“I’m not sure this is the best time Rodney,” John complained. “The damn treaty with the Genii is coming up for re-negotiation and even with the Wraith no longer a threat—I can’t afford to be away right now.”

Rodney chuckled, “I didn’t invite you, now did I? Way to include yourself on my vacation. I’m taking her to Earth so that Jeannie can toilet train her. I have solved many great puzzles in several galaxies, but I cannot get my daughter to pee in a potty.”

“Oh,” John pouted.

“I have admitted that I am powerless to get this potty dance started and I want to see my sister’s new kid. I’ll be gone for three weeks. Surely to god Radek can handle things?”

John fidgeted in the big leather “head honcho” chair the SGC had sent him as a gift. “It isn’t that. I’m used to having you two around. I don’t want to miss anything important that she does.”

Rodney snorted, “You can be there for the big stuff, like accepting her first Nobel Prize or taking her first order at McDonalds, whichever way it goes…but Lizzie’s first poo in a potty is not exactly life-altering!”

John frowned, “It is too! Look, never mind: take away my sunshine if you must, but don’t get the idea that you can stay in Canada. Three weeks, and if she’s still in diapers, we’ll find another way to train the kid. Got it?”

Rodney smiled, “I think you will miss _me_ too, at least a little?”

John smirked, “A little. Now get the hell out of my office! I’m the Head of this Expedition and I’ve got important things to sign.”

“We’ll miss you John,” Rodney said softly. “ _I’ll_ miss you.”

John looked up to meet his eyes, and smiled. “Clear blue skies,” he said aloud.

“Like a friend feels about another friend John?”

“Not really.” John answered shyly.

“Me too,” Rodney said and his gaze completed the promise.  
==================================================

Three weeks later, Lizzie was dancing about showing anyone and everyone her “big girl panties” which were covered in Dora the Explorer. “Elizabeth McKay, keep your skirt down!” Rodney chided as they strolled down the corridor to their rooms. “You realize your mother would be horrified at the Barbie ones? God, I hate my niece,” he muttered under his breath.

John suddenly popped into their path, at the door to the McKays’ quarters, and tried to look vaguely scandalized for Rodney’s benefit. “Barbie is inevitable if you keep taking her away from us and subjecting her to the insidious culture of Mattel,” he teased. “Did you miss me MizLiz?”

Elizabeth ran toward him and leapt into his outstretched arms, “Papa!” she giggled. John twirled her around by her arms before scooping her into a bear hug and carrying her into the room, Koala style.

“You’ll stretch her arms out and she’ll be as gangly as you!” Rodney scolded.

“Now you’re just being stupid,” John teased and leaned toward Rodney, impulsively kissing him on the lips in a chaste hello. No one could have been more surprised than he was, except maybe Rodney who sputtered and flushed but looked ridiculously happy about it.

“Well then, I take it operation potty was a success?” John asked casually.

“I dot deez Papa!” Lizzie crowed and promptly lifted her turquoise corduroy skirt again.

“Now those are some very cool Dora undies aren’t they?” John laughed. “Only special girls get to wear those!”

“Yes,” Rodney said through gritted teeth. “And special girls don’t keep pulling up their skirt to show off!”

Lizzie laughed and promptly ran off towards the bathroom, “I gotta doe potty, Papa. You gonna tiss my Daddy aden?”

John choked. But Rodney answered for him, “Maybe.”

“Colonel Sheppard?” Rodney’s voice came over the com.

“Yeah? Wassup?”

Rodney took a deep breath. “Elizabeth is having a sleepover with that evil urchin that belongs to Ronon. I was wondering if you wanted…”

John was up and walking towards his quarters in an instant. ‘I’m on my way. You got beer or wine or something?”

He could hear the annoyance in his friend’s voice, “Duh. Don’t be a moron.”

“I’m going to change. I’ll be there in twenty.”

It had been a week since he had kissed Rodney in front of Lizzie. That had been so impulsive, yet so natural, he hadn’t really thought about it too much beforehand. He hadn’t been able to think of much else since then though, especially with an almost three-year-old Herald reminding him all the time. Thank god DADT was a thing of the past or he would have been in a bit of trouble. But having relinquished the military role in favour of an administrative one was working in his favour as well. He was still the ranking military officer but Lt. Colonel Lorne ran the show in that arena now anyway.

He jumped into a steaming shower and rapidly scrubbed himself, opting for speed over finesse. He shaved and splashed on some Au Savage, a gift from Jeannie on his last birthday. Her note had read, “Rodney hates your after shave you imbecile. Try this.” He tussled his wet hair into “position” using the product he swore he didn’t possess.

He grabbed his black slim fitting jeans (another gift, this time from Amelia) and a soft white button down shirt, a bit frayed at the collar but one that Rodney had pretended not to admire years ago and John hadn’t bothered to get rid of it despite subsequent years of wear.

He even opted to wear the braided leather bracelet thing that Teyla had made for him instead of his standard black wristband.

He was at Rodney’s door in precisely twenty minutes, a jumble of nerves and excitement. Maybe this was _the_ night.

Rodney opened the door without a word and took a long appraising look at the man before him. It was so gonna be the night. John could see the pupils dilate and the flash of want in Rodney’s eyes. “Well, took you long enough,” Rodney grumbled.

Rodney was wearing a cobalt blue cashmere sweater with a V-neck. It clung to his chest in ways that John was unable to stop admiring. He’d paired it with chinos and John knew that when he turned around, they would stretch across the marvel that was Rodney’s ass, in just the right way too. Rodney’s hair was softly ruffled and he looked so relaxed and sexy, John was speechless.

“Nguh,” he exhaled in a low whimper.

“Back at you I guess, Colonel,” Rodney joked. “I see we’ve made an effort this evening? How refreshing not to have to disarm you before we can eat.”

John chuckled, “I am disarmed, that’s for sure. You’re so hot.”

“Oh be serious, how long have you been waiting to use that line on me?”

“For a long time, and you are really hot, so fuck off and get me a beer.”

Rodney turned and as he bent to get two beers from the mini fridge, John might have squeaked a little. “You um look great, Rodney,” he stammered.

Rodney laughed and deliberately bent over again for no particular reason. He looked over his back feigning outrage, “Colonel! Are you checking out my ass?”

“No, not at all McKay,” John teased. “Beer?”

“Yes yes, is Molson’s okay? What am I saying? Of course it’s okay, it’s Canadian and it’s cold. You know what they call American beer in Canada?”

“No Rodney, what DO they call American beer in Canada? Water?”

“Well maybe Floridian Water, but no. Pisse de cheval.”

John laughed, “Thought you Canadians were supposed to be polite!”

“Oh, that’s right. Do you think they’ll revoke my membership card? By the way, your hair looks even more ridiculous than usual tonight.”

John stepped towards him, “Yeah?” He reached out and stroked the side of Rodney’s face.

“Yeah. It drives me crazy.” He leaned into John’s touch, “Distracting really. No one has the right to be as sexy as you are.”

“Uh-huh,” John murmured. “No one should distract you. I’m sorry.” He dropped his hand to Rodney’s hip. “We gonna eat?”

“It can wait,” Rodney answered, his eyes locked with John’s.

“But your manly hunger….”

“Yeah. Hunger….that’s what I’ve got.” He reached up and stroked the back of John’s head, pulling him in for a kiss.

It wasn’t like kissing was quantum physics or anything and yet Rodney approached it with the passionate attention to detail he approached the mysteries of the universe. With each small tug of his lips, he pulled John apart, one filament at a time, until his defences lay in ruin. John shuddered, weak-kneed and vibrating with need. “Rodney,” he gasped. “I want you.”

Rodney smiled, “I know. Me too.” He reached to unbutton John’s shirt, “Sex now?”

John answered by beginning to strip. “Naked is such a good look on you John,” Rodney teased and pulled his sweater over his head. John stopped to admire the broad chest in front of him. “Excuse me, don’t stop on account of me, Colonel.” John leered at him, and slowly unbuttoned the rest of his shirt, then pushed it off his shoulders.

“Fuck,” Rodney whispered. John unbuttoned his jeans next and pushed them down over his slim hips. His cock tented the front of his boxers and Rodney groaned as he watched John palm it through the dark cotton.

“Your turn,” John commanded, his voice thick.

Rodney undid his belt and shoved his pants to the floor, turning his back to John as he bent to remove them.

“That ass of yours…fuck Rodney, get over here!”

Rodney belayed that order and instead walked to the bedroom. “Have I ever thanked you for switching your ‘leader of the expedition’ quarters with mine? I have this enormous private bedroom and this huge bed…” He motioned with his eyes for John to follow him and disappeared into the room.

John hadn’t expected Rodney to be quite so self-confident about their ‘first time’ together. Hell, he hadn’t even dared hope there would be a ‘first time’ but when he did imagine it, he had always been the one taking the lead, not following. He shouldn’t really have been surprised, he thought to himself, Rodney was not much of a shrinking violet in any other situation. Why wouldn’t he be a bossy pain in the ass in bed as well?

“You’re a bossy pain in…” he started as he entered the room. His thought was left unfinished as he sucked in a breath of awe. The room was filled with the soft glow of the sunset, the bed was covered in sumptuous bedding, the colour of dark ale, and the entire room was resplendent with gold. Beside the bed, John spotted a large bottle of massage oil, the faint musk of which he could already detect. Soft jazz played in the background. Rodney lay naked on the bed waiting.

“Dr. McKay, you’re trying to seduce me aren’t you?” John chuckled.

“Yes. Is it working?” Rodney teased.

“You had me at hello.”

Rodney rolled his eyes and groaned, “Oh for fuck’s sake Sheppard, get your scrawny ass in my bed!”

John obeyed and sat down on the edge, intending to turn and stretch out beside Rodney. Instead he felt a leg wrap around his torso and he was hauled on top of Rodney, who then proceeded to grab his ass and grind against him. “Oh yeah…” John panted, “Unh.”

He began to thrust against Rodney and really, what choice did he have as Rodney had spread his legs wide and was using the heels of his feet to pull John’s cock against his dampened crotch.

They shuddered and ground together, panting hoarsely between each kiss. Rodney was moaning and making this soft “Ahgh” noise each time John’s stiff cock rubbed against him and John thought he could become addicted to that sound. “Yeah Rodney, feels so good...” he babbled.

Without warning John found himself on his back and frantic fingers pulled at his boxers, which were sodden with sweat and both their slickness. As his hard length bobbed free, Rodney’s wet and scorching mouth encircled it and John arched off the bed with a keening groan.

Rodney couldn’t seem to get enough of John’s cock into his mouth and kept up a steady swallowing and moaning, punctuated by moments of heavy panting and fevered licking. When he pulled John’s ass off the bed and began to explore it, the Colonel was reduced to a litany of “fucks” and “Gods” and nonsensical sounds consisting almost entirely of vowels.

Rodney licked over his hole and jabbed his tongue into it; he took each of John’s balls into his mouth and gently sucked, before returning to John’s entrance again, licking and teasing.

John reached for Rodney’s cock and stroked it awkwardly: the angle was wrong but with his ass in the air and legs wrapped around Rodney’s chest, he was pinned to the bed. He gently tugged on Rodney’s cock until Rodney realized his intent, “You want to 69 babe?” he gasped, before straddling John’s face.

“Yeah, I wanna,” John panted and then began to nibble and tongue Rodney’s balls and all areas his tongue could reach while stroking Rodney’s long shaft.

“John,” Rodney sighed, relinquishing his lover’s cock for the moment. “God John, so good, so good, yeah--” He continued to babble away, often offering helpful suggestions, “Right there, yes that’s it, god don’t stop!”

John had this sudden thought that if Rodney was still capable of speech, he wasn’t doing all that he could to pleasure him. Seizing the lapse in Rodney’s attention, he strong-armed him until he had taken the dominant position back. He growled as he crawled up Rodney’s body to claim his mouth. They both moaned as their bodies lined up again and the grinding of their dicks together only increased the ferocity of their kisses.

At last Rodney pushed John back slightly and they looked into each other’s eyes. “Suck my cock again? Please John?”

“You like that?”

“So much.”

John chuckled low and dirty, “I can do that, but I really want to fuck you.”

Rodney froze, “It’s been a decade since….”

John smiled, “I could bottom then. I’m a flexible guy. Or we could save that for another time…” John sat back to rest his weight on his knees; his heavy cock resting atop Rodney’s. He reached and took them both into one hand stroking leisurely.

“Ahhhhdgh,” Rodney moaned as the pleasure rippled through him. John continued. It felt incredible; he shuddered as he ran his thumb over the glans and soon his hand was wet with their combined fluids

“So fucking hot, you’re so sexy, Jesus, John…” Rodney murmured. “Want you inside me so badly.”

“You’re sure?” John asked breathlessly. “God, I want that so much. So much.”

Rodney reached for the massage oil, and handed it to John. “S’all I have.”

John took it and moved down Rodney’s body, “Scoot up a bit?” he asked when he almost fell off the end of the bed.

Rodney opened to John’s slippery fingers with a soft sign, immediately pliant and relaxed. “You sure it’s been a decade Rodney?” John teased.

“Since I’ve been with a _man_ —yeah,” Rodney responded hesitantly. “Okay?”

“Okay,” John smiled and reduced his lover to a shuddering mass of bliss with a single touch.

“Do that again pleasepleaseplease…” Rodney begged and then arched off the bed with a howl when his wish was granted.

Each new stroke was greeted with similar enthusiasm and John marvelled at the sound of his partner’s moans and the way Rodney’s thick cock leaked all over the soft swell of his tummy.

“God Rodney, you’re so gorgeous…are you ready?”

Rodney smiled, “Mmmm, so ready.” He pulled John down on top of him. “Call me boring but I like the missionary position.”

John nibbled at his neck and dropped soft kisses on Rodney’s lips and then  
gently raised Rodney’s legs. He stroked Rodney’s cock slowly as he pressed against his lover’s opening and slowly slid inside.

They lay completely still for a moment, gazing into each other’s eyes. John grappled unsuccessfully with his emotions. “You’re so…and I’m so much…God, everything is…and…” He moaned as Rodney sat up slightly and rocked against him.

“And you love me.”

John sighed, “Yeah. So much.”

Rodney thrust against him again, eliciting a deep groan from them both. “And I love _you_ Colonel Emo, but right now? I want you to fuck me into the mattress.”

John grinned, “I can do that.”

[click to enlarge  
](http://pics.livejournal.com/shakespherical/pic/0009z40w)

John had never been one to revel in the afterglow or wax poetic about the power of his orgasm, but lying in Rodney’s arms, he was thinking of composing a sonnet. He was stuck on what to rhyme with ‘magnificent and life-affirming’.

“Do you think she would have been upset about this?” Rodney finally asked, his soft enquiry barely breaking through the thrum of John’s post coital bliss.

“Mmmmph?” John snuggled more deeply into Rodney’s armpit.

“Do you think if Jennifer knew about um…this thing between us? Do you think she’d be okay with it?”

John heard the concern and maybe a note of shame in Rodney’s tone. “Oh babe,” he soothed, “she knew how I felt about you. I thought you’d told her.”

Rodney shifted to look at John, “No, I never mentioned it. God, she was so smart.”

John propped himself up on his elbow, “She loved you. And you loved her.”

“And you had the grace to step aside.” Rodney reached out to touch John’s cheek. “And now, here we are.”

John leaned into the touch, “I never wished for--”

“Don’t. What’s done is done. Life isn’t---you know?”

John grimaced, “Yeah.”

Rodney pulled John into a gentle kiss, “It’s okay to be happy. I’m happy.”

“I’m glad. I’m happy too.”

* * *

They were sitting at the dining table looking into each other’s eyes, goofily, when the door whooshed open and in bounded a very keyed up three-year-old. “Papa! Daddy! Wonon did my hair! Isn’t it boodiful?” John laughed at the flummoxed expression on Rodney’s face.

“She liked the dreads. They’re not real, just braids,” Ronon offered by way of explanation. “See ya.”

Rodney spluttered, “Well, Elizabeth, you had fun I gather?”

Lizzie crawled up on John’s lap and whispered something in his ear. John looked delighted and hugged her close. “I think you should ask your Daddy, sweets.”

Lizzie picked up a piece of her Papa’s toast and asked her question around a mouthful, “Is Papa taying here now? He’s in yer wobe.”

Rodney flushed, “Um, would you like it if Papa stayed here now Elizabeth?”

“Duh! Don’t be a mowon Daddy.”


End file.
